I am a garden of black and red agonies. I drink them,
Hating myself, hating and fearing. And now the
Its end and runs toward it, arms held out in love.
my biggest fear as a writer is that my voice will eventually devolve into some elizabeth wurtzel trite bullshit
For the past year or so I haven’t made a conscious effort to sit down and write everyday. It has something to with the idea of getting to my notebook and having nothing interesting to say. (Interesting excludes haikus about college, drawings of cubes, and basically anything involving me complaining about today, yesterday, or what will likely happen tomorrow.) I want to write about people I’ll never see, not the fact I didn’t do the laundry. I want to write about places that don’t exist, not the reasons why MLA is superior to APA.
This is one of my problems. I try to get away from reality in my writing. It never used to be like this. I was completely content writing about what events occurred and changing names and small details to disguise it. Nowadays I refuse to draw from my real life.
The other obvious issue is that I don’t even scribble down what I ate for lunch anymore (could be because I rarely eat, but I’m ignoring that). I have to start writing everyday and I have to stop being so picky about what I write. I can’t ignore the blank page because I won’t like what I may come up with. I can’t expect to get any better if I don’t try.
Sorry this is so scrambled… Or maybe it isn’t. I can’t even tell anymore.
I wrote this in 2010 and it still really resonates with me.
I wouldn’t say I have writer’s block now, but I definitely have lost the discipline I had when I was younger (2009 was a good year for me). I was also on drugs, but whatever. Sometimes I feel like I’m letting my dreams slip away because I rarely ever just sit down AND FUCKING WRITE.
existentialism, self diagnosis, white guilt, milk fat percentages, john coltrane, cold tea, fog, birds, scars, avoidance, resin hits, desperation, cages, expensive retreats that appropriate native culture, autopsy photos